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just a troubled girl
© gawariel_design
zorya_utrenyaya@LJ
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"When the night has come and the land's dark, when the moon is the only light we'll see, look at the stars; can you count them? I miss you that much."
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Writing
» foreign dust (24.04.06)
» blurred (21.03.06.)
» butterfly on a card (21.03.06.)
» we leave you now (2004) incomplete
» music and light (2004)
Imago
Spring came with awakening, came with innocense and joy
Spring came with fascination and desire to deploy
Summer came with restlessness and curiousity
Summer came with longing for the things we could not be
Take me to the forest, take me to the trees
Take me anywhere as long as you take me
Take me to the ocean, take me to the sea
Take me to the Breathe and BE
Autumn came with knowledge, came with ego came with pride
Autumn came with shamefulness for the things we could not hide
Winter came with anger and a bitter taste of fate
Winter came with fear for the things we could not escape
Take me to the forest, take me to the trees
Take me anywhere as long as you take me
Take me to the ocean, take me to the sea
Take me to the Breathe and BE
Teach me of the forest, teach me of the trees
Teach me anything as long as you teach me
Teach me of the ocean, teach me of the sea
Teach me of the Breathe and BE
See me! I am the one creation
Hear me! I am all the love that came from Animae
Know me! I am the incarnation
Fear me! I am all the power held by Animae
Me!
Give me of the forest, give me of the trees
Give me anything as long as it's for me
Give me of the ocean, give me of the sea
Give me of the Breathe and BE
Give me all the forests, give me all the trees
Give me everything as long as it's for free
Give me all the oceans, give me all the seas
Give me all the breathing BE
~Pain of Salvation~
Only
Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
~Cree Indian Prophecy~
Layout
Layout was created by gawariel_design for the 5th round of LLS.v0.6 over at freelayouts. The theme was "one colour".
All images were made by gawariel. Quote in header comes from a song "Imago" by Pain of Salvation; and describes the different stages humanity has been through.
Navigation concept comes from chertothepalla and was coded with the help of the lovely lumoslindsay.
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[
10/08/06
Thursday 12:58am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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'Punjabi Rapper' - Bohemia |
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Haha! I am getting pissed at mum's house, lol. This time though mum isn't telling me to close the windows. :D Hoorah!
Omg, I can't wait to get back to Manchester. It is going to be so good to be back there, speaking to Usman and Shah is making me nostalgic... yaad aa rahi hai.... . Pluh I just dropped crisps on the carpet. Sheesha ke liye dil taras raha hai! I need to stop writing in Urdu/Hindi.
I miss Jeff so much. I wish he was here right now. It is so lonely without him. I am going to open another bottle ... I want to get totally trashed. There I go, talking American. Lol.
Bikram Singh was looking a bit fine just now. Yummy. I want to dance. I wish someone would get married. I am so shallow. Lalalalala. :D OI have lost my phone. So I can't even send random texts. Grrrr. I so want to grind up with someone right now. I don't care who. A kiss would be nice too. Watching 'Promiscuous' now - I love this song. I love Timbaland's expressions! (and when he says "I got something you gonna like" omfg wow! I want something!!!) And Nelly Furtado looks so fit in this video. She can speak Hindi you know. Bet you didn't/. Mere sir nu sharaab char rahi hai"! THat means theis alcohol is getting to my head, lol. Lesarn some Punjabi people!!! Hsahaha!!! I should shut up now... and drink some more. Hehehe"!!!!
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| I hate waiting!!! |
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14/06/06
Wednesday 11:28am] |
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mood |
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 dying to dance |
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music |
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'Giddeh Vich' - Shin GC |
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I got the book. Been reading 'Good Omens', 'tis good so far.
I really really want to just dance. I was listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan earlier and thinking about Sufism. They use music and dance to get closer to god. I'd like to see a qawwalli party perform... it would be so cool.
This trip to the States is turning into a bit of a joke. I said I'd take mum and nana ji with me, and arranging insurance and dates that suit everyone is just crazy. Grrr. Hopefully it'll get sorted out. *fingers crossed*
I am back in London now though, so when the flights are sorted we shall all have to make plans for meeting up etc.
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| Life was so real. |
[
29/05/06
Monday 09:16pm] |
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mood |
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 terrified |
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music |
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'Hallelujah' - Jeff Buckley |
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I took loads of pictures of the sunset on Saturday. It was just so beautiful and I was so happy. It kept distracting me from my work it was so pretty. So I kept jumping up on my desk to take photographs of it (damn stupid window restrictors). People driving past must have thought I was crazy.
( Because I think I'm Monet or something. )
Today's sunset is also beautiful, but I've closed the curtains now. I need to do some work. There are a lot more clouds today, and it's been raining fitfully all day. Fitting in my opinion.
( I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners. )
Yesterday, it felt like the world was coming apart. "And as your fantasies are broken in two/Did you really think this bloody road/Would pave the way for you?"
Today is the anniversery of Jeff Buckley's death. :( "My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come/It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon [his] shoulder" (Therefore I keep quoting lines from the songs on the Grace CD.)
New layout. ♥
eta: ( Last Goodbye. )
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| Just had to say this! |
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26/05/06
Friday 07:58pm] |
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mood |
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 refreshed |
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music |
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'I Fought The Law' - The Clash |
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I meant to post this the day I saw it in the Independent.
Attenborough: Climate change is the major challenge facing the world
"It is a significant moment: the most trusted voice in Britain speaks out, at last, on climate change."-from here. (Oh and the last sentence in that commentary - "There's only George Bushes and their like now, telling us the moon is made of cheese.")
I got so totally happy when I saw this. I literally grabbed hold of the newspaper and wanted to scream and shout and ring James.
I don't know if I've said this on LJ yet, but I turned vegetarian (am phasing diary products out of my diet to see if I can be a vegan too...).
Omg - Sir David. What a legend. A superstar naturalist indeed. ♥
ETA: I so wish I had a TV on Wednesday.
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| Chain ik pall nahi, aur koi hal nahi. |
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26/05/06
Friday 12:02am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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'Yaar Bina' - Junoon |
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I am supposed to be revising (or sleeping would be more accurate), but I'm taking a break... I take far too many that last far too long, but anyways. I think all this revision (and various other stress factors) are taking their toll. I have been having some really strange dreams lately, saying that I think they would be better described as nightmares. It's crazy-I can't sleep at night, when I should and then I have these awful dreams that I can't wake up from in the mornings. It's freaky.
( My dreams have been strange of late. )
Yeah, so that was mainly for my benefit, not nice dreams to be thinking about, but I wanted a record of them. I'm wondering if they mean anything, and if they do what.
Tried meditating today, it felt good, though my concentration levels have gone down a lot. Ah well, I'll have to keep practising.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ren_vincentius - thanks for your message, I need lots of good luck to get through tomorrow! Also, I will fill in the meme when I'm not supposed to be sleeping/learning organic mechanisms.
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| Wow! |
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08/05/06
Monday 09:11pm] |
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mood |
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surprised |
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music |
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'Rudie Can't Fail' - The Clash |
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I went running today! This is the first time that I have done any running since I left school. I am quite suprised at myself, to be honest. I don't know what's come over me, but after going on lots of walks in the park, I suddenly want to start running, lol. It was fun. It didn't exactly manage to go very far without stopping (the running, not moving) - I have no stamina. *headdesk* But I alternated the running with jogging and walking, which meant that I didn't decide to just turn around and go back home. I want to keep this up! And hopfully I will be able to run laps around the lake at some point soon. :)
( Skip me being sappy and childish. )
I feel quite accomplised today, I even revised tonight. It was also the last day of labs for this year-hoorah! Didn't exactly go the best it could have, but who cares? We'll be in the shiny new labs next year, yay. I really feel like writing something... maybe something'll come to me...
Skipped going to meditation today though...
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| Hometime! |
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03/04/06
Monday 08:00pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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'Peer Tere Jaan Di' - Gurdas Mann |
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I have packed (just about), cleaned my room, washed my clothes, been to the Peak District and am coming home tomorrow! Not too sure how I feel about staying at home again, but it will be good to see everyone (we must make dates) and good to be away from here in a way. See everyone soon!
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| You make me wanna shout! |
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29/03/06
Wednesday 07:21pm] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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'King for a Day'/'Shout' - Green Day |
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Today has been a good day all in all. I woke up to a text from Jeff which made me all happy! *g* I had lunch with Aisha and Holly after the physical lecture (our new lecturer is so nervous it is not even funny!) and then I was informed that Winnie was ill so did I want to pay her a visit? Sure I said.
And there was no ill Winnie, but her, Shenilla and Usman with birthday cakes, food and balloons! Lol, I was so suprised!!! I had no idea what to say or do or anything. We waited for Aisha to get back from her tutorial and played in the meantime. It was so crazy to be running around trying to keep balloons in the air for as long as possible, and then trying to blow up those long balloons. We also played blind man's bluff, what's the time Mr Wolf and Grandma's footstseps. It was so much fun! We tried playing rounders with a long balloon and a ball of tin foil but that didn't work too well.
Aisha arrived and I cut the cake and opened my present ... ( they got me the shoes I wanted from Faith!!! )
omfg!! I cannot believe that they did that! As this ( picture )
testifies. Then things were a ( little crazy. )
So, wow. It was fun!
( More pics ... )
They also gave me book tokens and a HMV gift card, so I will have fun with those, hehe. I went out and bought Umsan's present today too, yay!
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| Rain ... |
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27/03/06
Monday 10:22pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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'Rove Sari Raat' - Surjit Bindrakhia |
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There's rain sliding down the window, droplets dashed against the glass to fall like tears ... . No, I'm not going to carry that on. Isn't it funny the different emotions rain evokes? Annoyance when you have to walk to labs after a 9 o'clock lecture, fun to come home in, sad when you're listening to depressing music like I am now ... the list could go on, but those are my feelings about the rain today ... . Today was pretty rubbish, I'm feeling so unmotivated to to any work and didn't wait for the end of labs to leave. And coming back to Uni after my extended weekend just makes me feel meh.
My parents called yesterday and offered me the chance to go to Hawai'i. I was like omfg?!?! Eeek! All these times I've wanted to go there and now I don't know what to say. Atm there is a different trip I want a lot more than going to Hawai'i this week. Much as I want to go with my dad, I would rather go to Texas and Florida in the summer. *sigh* My sleep pattern's gone out of the window again (ren_vincentius I took your advice and bought some 'Nytol'), and yes I know I should probably see a doctor. I am just useless when it comes to stuff like that.
Oh well, the rain is beautiful. It felt almost like a summer storm this evening, complete with swinging doors in the kitchen.
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| Happy Paddy's Day! |
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17/03/06
Friday 08:16pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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music |
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'Can't Stand Me Now' - The Libertines |
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Happy St. Patrick's Day to those who are celebrating it. :) Don't get too pissed. Haha. Anyway ... I went to Longsight today with Shenilla and Winnie. We went (Indian) suit shopping. 'twas fun. I don't think the woman in the shop liked us much though, lol. We asked to try this really pretty blue and red suit on, so the woman started taking the kameez off the manequin and as the top came off, we could see that they'd put a little pink bra on the manequin. It was so funny and Shenilla just cracked up there and then ... so when we came back too ask for the dupatta the woman asked us if we wanted to try the bra on too. OK well we found the whole scene funny ... . It kind of reminds me of buying suits on that first day in Delhi, when Lalit and Jeff ended up waiting for us forever. Lol, I'm even wearing one of the suits I bought that day on Sunday.
Also I got my results today. Yes I did. I got 77%!!! Woohoo!!! I am so happy! I so thought that I had done really, really badly. But it turns out my mark isn't so bad after all. I was so scared to get them I hadn't really made that much of an effort to find my tutor and almost didn't go to the physical tutorial today because of it. (I could have not gone to the tutorial after all, as I did not take in a word. I just sat and daydreamed and tried not to fall asleep, lol.) I think that my overall mark will go down after my German marks are sorted out, but still I think it should stay over the 60% mark. So I think I'm going to check again if I could change to the study in North America programme. It'll be really good if I can. *is excited*
syrupe I got your email, and will be editing 'Snow' for you soon. It's so cool to be on the other side of the writing process! I think you do really well at it btw! *hugs* Now I think I'm supposed to be going out in a bit so I'm going to wrap this up. :)
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| Fic: Blurred |
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15/03/06
Wednesday 10:44pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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'Brand New Cadillac' - The Clash |
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Title: Blurrred
Rating: PG
Summary: A forever that could fit in a nutshell.
Word Count: 1097
Author's Note: Contains angst. Also bears an uncanny resemblence to parts of my life. Yes, it's intentional, but no, it's not all true, I just took some feelings and applied lots(!) of artistic lisence. Beta'd by the wonderful syrupe.
( Blurred )
*sings* "... ain't never coming back!" A rather appropriate song for this methinks.
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| Meditation works! |
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03/03/06
Friday 10:51pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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'Putt Sardan De' - Balwinder Safri |
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Or at least I think it does. I actually meditated today on my own today. Then I passed out and have been sleeping since 18:00. I think my fire alarm went off but I'm not sure ... argh! Oh well, I am so tired now, I think I just want to go back to bed. Lol. I'm such a lazy arse. But on a more serious note - I meditated on my own! I am so proud of myself. I have moved onto the "longer counting" now. So when I go and talk to Chris on Monday I can go and tell him that I've been working on it. Been hanging out with the Bhuddist society a lot this week. On Monday I ended up being the last person left (apart from James and Joy) and went to Falafel to drink tea. Was cool to talk to James who has been to Nepal to do voluntary work. We spent ages talking about the stuff we'd seen and stuff. And whether we could go and lived where we'd been. I think Joy got a bit fed up with us going on about the Indian sub-continent after a bit. After all he moved here from Lucknow. However he says that he's going back and wishes he'd had a different opinion of England before he came here. Didn't end up coming home till 23:30. And I only meant to go to the meditation class and then come and work on my lab report, haha.
There was a Bhangra night on at the SU on Tuesday which was cool, despite the fact that I began the night by trying to drink away my sorrows. I drank rather too much and was going on at Winnie to take me home. I'm glad that she didn't. Anyway so the night passed away in a haze of alcohol and dancing. It was so much fun. I even ended up wearing dangly earrings!! Haha. My choker somehow ended up in Sidiq's pocket. No-one has any idea how. Weird.
Stayed at home on Wednesday and started my lab report before Thursday evening, lol. Only because I wanted to go out on Thursday. Went to a talk by the Bhuddist soc yesterday about Bhuddism in Cambodia under Pol Pot and stuff. Again stayed and talked forever. I love the people there. They are so cool. We went out to Wilmslow Road to eat after. Came home and talked to Jeff and stressed over my unfinished lab report. Nothing new there then.
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| Happy Birthday Syrupe!!! |
[
01/03/06
Wednesday 05:52pm] |
I can't believe that I didn't post this on time! Sorry. *hangs head in shame*
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| Fic: Butterfly on a Card |
[
22/02/06
Wednesday 10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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'Kei Katal Hongay' - Bikram Singh |
] |
Title: Butterfly on a Card
Rating: Any age
Summary: The night before a wedding.
Word Count: 2476
Author's Note: Thanks as ever to syrupe for the beta-ing! This is very different to anything I've ever written before, the style and everything. Not sure what I think yet. Inspired by me and my cousin being shallow, lol.
( Butterfly on a Card )
Not sure who'll want to read this, but umm ... yeah, worked hard on this one. Ask for any translations and/or explanations if needed.
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| Blair, Brown and Cameron - three cheeks of the same arse! |
[
22/02/06
Wednesday 01:04am] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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music |
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'Chaklo Gandasay' - Bikram Singh feat. Blitzkrieg |
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Just got back from the George Galloway meeting. It was great. It really was like we're doing something!! I even did leafletting and getting people to sign up to the RESPECT newsletter. I wasn't going to go today, but Rob persuaded me, haha. The speeches were all good - John Rees was fantastic, and Galloway shut up the people who booed him when he began. Whatever you think of him, he's an excellent speaker! Hung out with the Socialists afterwards. We had a good time - it was good getting to know them all. :D Met "the" Tom of Third Eye - he can talk for England (and even more than Amir!). Starving now, though, and am eating Ryvita. Meh. Time for bed methinks!
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| Some news ... |
[
20/02/06
Monday 11:07pm] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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music |
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'Bhabi Munda Lumbran Da' - Bikram Singh |
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I just got back from a meditation session. It was really cool. The meditation wasn't quite what I had expected, but it was all good. I'm so glad that I went - I left my library card at home and had to go back to get it. I was tempted not to go, but I did. We ended up hanging about outside MR3 for a while (15 mins to be exact with this guy counting down saying things like "Twelve minutes to go now" lol) before heading down to Grove House. This didn't seem a particularly suitable choice for a meditation meeting as they have a music room there and it tends to be used for band practise. But we went up into the attic it was all quiet and a bit cramped, lol. Chris wasn't the kind of person I'd immediately associate with taking a meditation class, but he was cool. We did a different kind of meditation to the one Mr Sibbick taught us, we just counted to 9 (breathing in the whole time) and counting back from 9 (breathing out the whole time). It was relaxing, but I kept getting the counting backwards thing mixed up! (I can count, promise!) I think I prefer meditation (though it's early days for me to say this, I suppose) with a more pictorial approach, my mind likes pictures more I think. The exercise made me realise how tensed my back is - need to take up Yoga or something!
The people at the class were great. At least three of us were new. I met a girl called Lizzie who is training her powers as a pyschic, wants to do her masters in Reiki and used to spiritually heal people at Church. She also took a gap year and went travelling in South America - so good to meet someone who knows, man! (On a side note - I feel like all the Lizzie's I know have had some connection with the spiritual side of things ... hmmm ...) The other newbie was a guy called Gordon - I've seen him around at Socialist meetings and things, I'm sure. He's reading Religious Studies and has some ideas. There are three Spanish people, an Irish guy, three Indians and a German in the class. It's amazing (and Chris, who leads, reminds me of my Grandma, haha!) We had a good discussion at the end - a bit awkward when James first asked if anyone wanted tea and biscuits. But we all got into it - introducing ourselves and stuff. And omfg I met people who knew the significance of Dharamsala, Amrisar and Varanasi!!! It felt so good to talk to them about the summer - and listen to James talk about Nepal. :D We talked about religions and all sorts - it was great!
It's Islam Awareness Week this week, and there looks like there's some interesting stuff going on, they're even teaching people how to do the namaz on Jummah (Friday). Might go to that. Tomorrow the Amnesty International society have a letter writing thing on, I want to try and go. (And hopefully do some work!) Ooo ... last week there was a General Meeting at the SU and we got the motion getting the Uni to stop investing in the Arms Trade passed!! It was pretty hair-raising as it was coming up to 2 and it looked like we wouldn't make it, by being just a few people short. It was so funny to see Rob running up and down the hall. We it was passed - hopefully the shares will be invested in something more ethical than in companies that openly sell arms to countries with human rights abuses. I can't believe how little people care though. We're the biggest University in Western Europe and we can't get 300 people to vote on something like this? :( I mean, hello, your tutions fees are paying for guns here!
Err ... yeah, that just soured my mood a little.
***BABY NEWS FLASH - my cousin has said his first word! He can say "mama". Omg I miss him - he the cutest baby ever!! (Yes, I am biased! Sue me.) He's also learned to crawl - but he can only go backwards! How funny is that? We couldn't get him to crawl at all when I was home over Christmas. He's teething too - two teeth on the bottom. Lots of carrot sticks for Zhakar then! ... Haha, OK I'll shut up about him now, I sound like I'm getting broody or something.[/end news flash]
Other random things...
- I just finished reading (and started re-reading) 'The Buddha of Suburbia' by Hanif Koureshi. It is so funny! I just love it. Will write a more comprehensive review another time.
- Have Bikram Singh's album 'American Jugni' - it's better than I thought it would be. Not the most amazing music ever, but still pretty good.
- I bought milk (proper milk that is) for the first time yesterday since coming here. Now I just have to use/drink it all.
- I don't like the milk bottles you get in the Haribo Kiddie's Supermix.
- I got a piece of news last night that made me very (very very very ...) happy. I won't talk about it too much right now, as I want to buy the thing first. Some of you might guess what this is, hehe.
- I've started writing a Hermione/Viktor piece. May finish it sometime.
- Am reading 'The Summoning' by bambu345, currently in chapter 4. Will comment when I get to the last chapter posted.
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| Instant slash! |
[
22/01/06
Sunday 11:49pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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OK, so this is absolutely pointless, but it did amuse me. Very much so. sirius black leaped to his feet in panic, dropping the fish slice and trying to untangle his trousers from around his ankles.? lmao.
( Instant Slash Story )
If you're bored like me and should be doing something entirely different you might like to try it yourself. Was his pet being attacked by a slug? Was he about to be raped by sauron dressed as dumbledore? Sounds like me and jetalia could have written it. omfg Voldemort disguised as Arthur Weasley anyone? *w*
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| Books! |
[
22/01/06
Sunday 10:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ditzy |
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music |
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'GT Road' - Kuldip Manak |
] |
Well I think I have a sleep problem. I can never get to sleep, you will find me jumping around my room until three in the morning, most likley to some Bhangra/prancing out some half-forgotten ballet steps to something classical/feeling mutinous with Bullet in a Bible. Meh. This could just prove a problem when semester starts ...
But the past two nights I wrote stuff!!! OMG yes, I did. One is a piece that I think is just a study in capturing atmosphere, I'm not sure how much I like it but syrupe may find it in her inbox to beta, and then other people can see it too. The other piece I did is ... wait for it ... a Harry Potter fan fic. *faints*
*is revived* Now, I feel like I'm going back to my OMGILOVEHARRYPOTTER mindset. A bit like I used to be when me and Lizzie felt that time spent listing every character in the books and working out the origin and meaning of their names was time well spent. Obviously this was before we had real internet access and subsequently had no idea of the existence of Mugglenet, The Leaky Cauldron, The Harry Potter Lexicon, JK Rowling.com or any of the other Harry Potter sites there are out there on the web. It's a good feeling, to go back to being a fan. I only wish I had the Harry Potter books here with me, as it is all I've got is Harry Potter und der Gefangene von Askaban. Oh well. I find it quite interesting that even when I'm reading auf Deutsch I tend to remember what I've just read translated into English. Maybe not so interesting to anyone else.
On the subject of books here is a meme I found in violetfishy's journal.
( The Book List(!) )
Pretty interesting ... I feel like I haven't read enough books. I marked the ones on the list that I want to read (or fiinish!). I can't believe that I never read the whole of 1984, and I want to read Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome-it is after all the reason I have the surname I do. *w* Also The Satanic Verses and Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie have been on my must read list forever, has anyone ever read anything by him? I think I need to join a library.
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